Losing Me
by PhaiFan
Summary: Loving someone like Alexander has a high price. And sometimes it costs you everything.


_This is based on a song, "Losing Me (Perdido En Ti) by Diego._

 _I posted this a while ago, but the "powers that be" at FF asked me to remove it because of copyright issues with the lyrics I quoted, even though I credited them. So...I have tweaked it slightly and am posting it again. Honestly, it works just as well without the lyrics. If you want to read them, check out one of the lyric sites. It's a sad song._

 _Hephaestion's thoughts..._

* * *

I wonder who I have become. When I see my reflection, I stare into the eyes of someone I no longer know.

I trudge back to my quarters, feeling defeated and alone. I pass your rooms, and I hear laughter from within…and my heart breaks just a little bit more. Once that would have been me, sharing your laughter, but no more.

I hate myself sometimes, I truly do. I am a soldier, a warrior, a general. For the love of the gods, when did I become so weak?

Lying here now, alone, I know sleep will elude me yet again. I pray that I may sleep so that, at least for a while, I might be free of the pain that grips me without mercy these days. I have tried numbing myself with wine, but that only makes me feel worse.

I never thought I would feel this way. How did we become these people that I scarcely recognize?

Why do I let myself do this? You speak, and I get lost in the sound of your voice.

I am like a dog that always comes crawling back to its master, despite being beaten yet again.

I don't know how to stay away from you. You are the only life I know.

I am a fool. I see you, and I forget everything. You look at me, and I can almost make myself believe that I see love there. Almost.

I truly am no better than the sycophant I am accused of being.

My dreams were always your dreams. Now, your dreams do not include me, and I am completely lost.

When you hurt, I hurt. I would still lay down my life for you, a thousand times. I would die defending you, even now. You once felt the same for me.

I would still follow you to the ends of the earth. I would follow you to Hades and back, over and over again. For you, I would do anything.

I follow you, but I keep losing me. I have become merely an extension of you, to do your bidding as you see fit. I don't know who I am anymore.

I became what you wanted me to be, what you needed me to be. I trusted you. I gave you my life.

I miss the days when I was happy. There were brief times when I was, when I was my own person. When I was young and life was simpler…before I met you. And later, when you first told me you loved me, I have never been happier. I thought I would have that forever. I was wrong.

I am broken. I no longer have dreams of my own. I gave them up years ago to be with you. I pledged to you everything that I have, everything that I am. Fool that I am, I still honor that pledge.

The promises you once made to me are long forgotten.

Sometimes I wish you would send me away, forever. I need to be away from you.

I don't know _how_ to be away from you.

It would destroy me to leave you, but then again, I am being destroyed by being here with you. So I guess it really does not matter.

It doesn't matter. No matter what, I lose. You have consumed me, and I am burned by your fire. I am made helpless before you. I want to hate you, but I cannot. I only hate myself.

Once again, I jump at your command. I push myself beyond my limits for you. Over mountains, through deserts, city after city, battle after battle, I follow you. Where you go, I go. It is the only life I know.

I give you anything you ask of me, only to please you. Sadly, you don't want anything from me these days, at least not as you once did.

I need only you, and I hate that.

You take it for granted that I will be there when you need me. I always have been, and I always will be.

I'm so tired of simply giving in. I follow you blindly, bending to your will. I am weak, and it makes me sick.

I hardly know who you are these days. You have changed so much. What happened to the man I fell in love with so many years ago? I was your Patroclus. Where have you gone, my Achilles?

I have become invisible. You don't even see me anymore. I blend into the background.

But then…just when I think I have the courage to leave, to get over you, you seem to know. You know, and you draw me back into my prison, and fool that I am, I go willingly. One kiss, and I am lost. And I hate that.

So go ahead, break my heart. Again.

And so I go on, day after day, following you. I clean up the messes you make, pick up the pieces when things fall apart, and do my best to make sure you achieve your dreams.

The price I pay is high. I vowed to you years ago that my life was yours, and I cannot…will not…break that vow. I will go on, slowly dying inside, and you won't even notice.

One day, it will cost me everything.

I wonder, will you even miss me when I'm gone?


End file.
